Things haven't changed much in almost 50 years. I started talking before I was 2 years old and some would say I haven't stopped since. My grammar school report cards said: "talks out of turn" and "annoys others". At 3 when I split my lip open the doctor was very frustrated when he couldn't get me to shut up long enough to stitch it up. What can I say? I like to talk. I'll talk to most anyone really. I'm sure the man next to me in the parking lot yesterday was convinced I was truly insane when he caught me carrying on completely rational (in my mind anyway) two-way conversation with myself. I don't think I fooled him at all when I quickly put my cellphone to my ear and proceeded to say goodbye to no one. When my family reprimands me for these interactive conversations I explain that no one ever listens to me as well as I do.
So, it is pretty surprising that I find myself here, putting my ideas into the written word for no one to hear. There are times, however, when what we have to say is simply too difficult to utter. Emotions that rock us to our core, feelings of guilt and anger.... and .... fear. If I say them out loud will my fears be realized? Who will want to listen if I tell them how I really feel?
I am, and have always been a cheerleader (it is the perfect excuse to make alot of noise). I was a cheerleader on the sidelines of my Dad's softball games at the age of 3 and continued in a more formal manner all the way through high school. As an adult I am the one who cheers others up and on - my kids, my family, my friends - I like to offer encouragement - it's what I do - it's who I am. So how can I tell them that I was hurting? That the tragedy that shook every hair on my head still haunts me every day? That I hold my breath when I tell everyone how wonderful things are. How can I encourage others if I am faltering? I know cognitively that I need to take care of myself, to stop cheating myself, to talk about it and let myself heal, and most importantly to admit to myself how I really feel. I'm just not sure I can do it - at least not yet - not out loud.
So... I am doing the next best thing. I am talking to you- to the computer, to the internet, to the world, to no one at all really. Is anyone listening? I don't know and I'm not sure it matters. I guess it is just another example of me talking to me- the best listener. Maybe, just maybe, my conversation will encourage others to start a conversation with themselves. I'll look at it as a new form of cheerleading, but this time I'm cheering for me. I'm going to cheer myself along until I can face those demons that haunt me and scare them out into the open for everyone to see. Join me if you like as I embark on this journey of self discovery. Maybe I can cheer you on along the way as well. ~Journie
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Hi! I came across your blog through the blogger of Thinking Out Loud.
ReplyDeleteI want to say a few things. Hopefully I will get all of my points across to you.
I'm young--20 years old--so I'm presuming I'm close to your daughter's age. (I have only read up to this entry) In high school, I was really depressed, but I had tangible reasons why I was. You mentioned that you believe that a part of you wants to examine that day and a part of you does not. I can tell you now that even though that time in my life was absolutely horrible, I am a better person. Dealing with lonliness, depression, and all sorts of "ugly" things are extremely difficult to deal with, but at the same time, they can also make you into a better person. I'm sure that before your daughter attempted suicide, chances are you did not think about suicide, depression, and those "ugly truths" as much as you do currently. Now, you're more attuned to that and maybe even you look at other teenagers around you to see if they are showing any of those tell-tale signs. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't.
From that time in my life though, I learned that unfortunately people do not look deeply. (the positive side of the ugly truth is that it opens you up to a whole new perspective of the world) I also learned that many people do not consider the extent of how their actions can affect others around them. For example, in 11th grade there were a few guys that picked on me. I was a defensive person at that point because of a crappy situation at school and at home too..It was my protective mechanism. I didn't know for sure if they were good naturedly teasing me or what; I assumed that they were being spiteful. Someone turned them in and actually I don't know who did. Maybe it was one of the other teachers that came into the room occasionally and saw it. The woman that dealt with these sorts of things (bullying) specifically said to me: Someone turned these guys in..etc. She then spoke to those boys. The one became extremely angry and assumed that I turned him in. He ended up saying to me "I hope you slice your throat in the summer." I told my teacher and she said "What do you expect? He's a jerk." She did nothing further and my classmates just sat there. Yes, what he said was terrible, but the actions of the others around me were wrong also. I'm sure that if those people had experienced a little bit of what I was going through they would have been more likely to stand up for me. You see? People forget to try to imagine what the other person is feeling; place themselves in the other person's shoes. I do this frequently because I know what it's like to be down in the dumps literally and how one seemingly small thing (and no, that comment was not small..talking about forgetting to call someone back, for example) can make everything worse... However, it is not necessary to go through the same situation in order to be kinder to others. which leads me to another point. You will never understand completely what your daughter is going through. However, all of us have the capacity to at least understand it a little bit. You are actually experiencing a different version of what she's going through--you're in pain; she is too. You know how being in pain is hard, confusing.. And you must remember that you could easily be in her shoes too. What makes me angry about people is how they forget that fact. You see someone that is struggling to carry some books and you see all these people just walking by. You could be that person. So, imagine what your daughter is feeling... She's in pain, but on top of it all, she may be feeling embarrassed or whatever because people are aware of the suicide attempt. Before that, maybe she was ashamed to confide in others.. I don't know what's in her head or the whole situation... The likelihood of her not discussing her depression though is probably great.. We both know that there is no reason she should feel ashamed. She's in pain and she's human. Frankly, pain sucks. This leads me onto the next thing I want to say...For the longest time, I was ashamed to admit to others about my pain, my struggles. I wanted to appear strong and plus, I was really afraid. When I talked to people I trusted though they made me realize there is absolutely no shame. I'm not crazy--I'm human and they could relate in one way or another. So...take this experience as a time to help your daughter, but yourself too. Imagine all of the things that she has to fight--confiding in people, admitting her fears...and then there's her mother who is afraid to take care of herself. Discussing these things online to strangers is a step, but the greatest step is discussing it with people you actually know and trust. You will emphathize with your daughter better if you take that leap and confide your secret thoughts to your family and friends...You'll basically help yourself and your daughter better (Because you walked a similar road...)
ReplyDeleteWow - you are a very wise young lady. I am so glad that you have such wonderful insights on your situation and that of others. You sound very much like my daughter in what you have dealt with as well as your ability to learn from your experiences. I am talking with people, thank goodness - including family, friends and a counselor. Believe it or not, my daughter is very open with those she knows well and has found amazing comfort in that as well as some wonderful people who are very understanding - those who are not understanding are no longer in our lives (because they have chosen this road). We can talk more about this later. We are both getting involved in some suicide prevention programs - I feel blessed to be able to talk with others, both in a private a public setting. My daughter feels, as you do, that good things can come from bad experiences such as this. She is a much stronger - as we all are. Please come back and talk to me more. Hearing things from your perspective are very helpful for me and other parents. Bless you!
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