Okay, I am in the mood to ramble today, so bear with me. Despite what you have read so far and the assumptions you may have made I truly am an optimist. I believe in doing everything I can to find the good in every situation. That preverbial "silver lining" is there - always. It is just a matter of finding it and admitting to yourself that it is worthy of acknowledging. Sure, it is oft-times so subltle that finding it is difficult at best, but its there. The really crazy thing is that sometimes that lining might not even impact our lives directly. The challenge is to realize this and decide if the lining is worth our time.
If you have been reading my posts you have had a hint of the turns that my life has taken over the past several months. My daughter, the light of my life, attempted to take her life - I am filled with sadness, fear, uncertainty, confusion, anger (directed at myself mostly) ...... you name it. I am, somehow, also filled with desire - the desire to do everything I can to help other young people avoid this fate - desire to find that "silver lining". As I work through the system and find a way to make an impact on adolescent depression and anxiety I have to decide if this lining is worth my time - it is, no question!
Make a great day for yourself!
Journie
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
The Real Journie
Things haven't changed much in almost 50 years. I started talking before I was 2 years old and some would say I haven't stopped since. My grammar school report cards said: "talks out of turn" and "annoys others". At 3 when I split my lip open the doctor was very frustrated when he couldn't get me to shut up long enough to stitch it up. What can I say? I like to talk. I'll talk to most anyone really. I'm sure the man next to me in the parking lot yesterday was convinced I was truly insane when he caught me carrying on completely rational (in my mind anyway) two-way conversation with myself. I don't think I fooled him at all when I quickly put my cellphone to my ear and proceeded to say goodbye to no one. When my family reprimands me for these interactive conversations I explain that no one ever listens to me as well as I do.
So, it is pretty surprising that I find myself here, putting my ideas into the written word for no one to hear. There are times, however, when what we have to say is simply too difficult to utter. Emotions that rock us to our core, feelings of guilt and anger.... and .... fear. If I say them out loud will my fears be realized? Who will want to listen if I tell them how I really feel?
I am, and have always been a cheerleader (it is the perfect excuse to make alot of noise). I was a cheerleader on the sidelines of my Dad's softball games at the age of 3 and continued in a more formal manner all the way through high school. As an adult I am the one who cheers others up and on - my kids, my family, my friends - I like to offer encouragement - it's what I do - it's who I am. So how can I tell them that I was hurting? That the tragedy that shook every hair on my head still haunts me every day? That I hold my breath when I tell everyone how wonderful things are. How can I encourage others if I am faltering? I know cognitively that I need to take care of myself, to stop cheating myself, to talk about it and let myself heal, and most importantly to admit to myself how I really feel. I'm just not sure I can do it - at least not yet - not out loud.
So... I am doing the next best thing. I am talking to you- to the computer, to the internet, to the world, to no one at all really. Is anyone listening? I don't know and I'm not sure it matters. I guess it is just another example of me talking to me- the best listener. Maybe, just maybe, my conversation will encourage others to start a conversation with themselves. I'll look at it as a new form of cheerleading, but this time I'm cheering for me. I'm going to cheer myself along until I can face those demons that haunt me and scare them out into the open for everyone to see. Join me if you like as I embark on this journey of self discovery. Maybe I can cheer you on along the way as well. ~Journie
So, it is pretty surprising that I find myself here, putting my ideas into the written word for no one to hear. There are times, however, when what we have to say is simply too difficult to utter. Emotions that rock us to our core, feelings of guilt and anger.... and .... fear. If I say them out loud will my fears be realized? Who will want to listen if I tell them how I really feel?
I am, and have always been a cheerleader (it is the perfect excuse to make alot of noise). I was a cheerleader on the sidelines of my Dad's softball games at the age of 3 and continued in a more formal manner all the way through high school. As an adult I am the one who cheers others up and on - my kids, my family, my friends - I like to offer encouragement - it's what I do - it's who I am. So how can I tell them that I was hurting? That the tragedy that shook every hair on my head still haunts me every day? That I hold my breath when I tell everyone how wonderful things are. How can I encourage others if I am faltering? I know cognitively that I need to take care of myself, to stop cheating myself, to talk about it and let myself heal, and most importantly to admit to myself how I really feel. I'm just not sure I can do it - at least not yet - not out loud.
So... I am doing the next best thing. I am talking to you- to the computer, to the internet, to the world, to no one at all really. Is anyone listening? I don't know and I'm not sure it matters. I guess it is just another example of me talking to me- the best listener. Maybe, just maybe, my conversation will encourage others to start a conversation with themselves. I'll look at it as a new form of cheerleading, but this time I'm cheering for me. I'm going to cheer myself along until I can face those demons that haunt me and scare them out into the open for everyone to see. Join me if you like as I embark on this journey of self discovery. Maybe I can cheer you on along the way as well. ~Journie
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