Looking Up!

Okay, I am in the mood to ramble today, so bear with me. Despite what you have read so far and the assumptions you may have made I truly am an optimist. I believe in doing everything I can to find the good in every situation. That preverbial "silver lining" is there - always. It is just a matter of finding it and admitting to yourself that it is worthy of acknowledging. Sure, it is oft-times so subltle that finding it is difficult at best, but its there. The really crazy thing is that sometimes that lining might not even impact our lives directly. The challenge is to realize this and decide if the lining is worth our time.

If you have been reading my posts you have had a hint of the turns that my life has taken over the past several months. My daughter, the light of my life, attempted to take her life - I am filled with sadness, fear, uncertainty, confusion, anger (directed at myself mostly) ...... you name it. I am, somehow, also filled with desire - the desire to do everything I can to help other young people avoid this fate - desire to find that "silver lining". As I work through the system and find a way to make an impact on adolescent depression and anxiety I have to decide if this lining is worth my time - it is, no question!

Make a great day for yourself!
Journie

One Day at a Time

There are days when all I can do is revel in the fact that we are all still together - the beauty of life is so strong I can taste it. And others it is difficult to get out from under the cloud of fear and uncertainty. I'm not even sure what drives these changes in mood. Sometimes I think that I must be dreaming about troublesome things because I wake up feeling that way. I try and take time every morning to thank God and count my blessings - I wonder sometimes if dwelling on it this way is a good thing or not, but I will not let myself forget how precious every moment with her is.

I ask myself often what God had in mind for me when this happened. I am looking for a way to help others - as is she. We want to help other young adults realize that they are not alone. Depression is so real. Her psychiatrist explained it well when she said "if you had diabetes and weren't feeling well no one would tell you to 'get over it' or 'quit being a baby' - they would take you to the hospital. Depression is an illness just like diabetes and should be treated the same way". We need to find a way to help others realize this - and to realize that they should not feel ashamed.... or alone.... or hopeless. The numbers are staggering and if we can only help to release the stigma we will have made a huge step toward recovery. Any ideas?????

Rock Bottom

The saying goes something like this: "you have to hit rock bottom before you can bounce back". I guess the trouble is the rock can be pretty hard and the recovery slow. When someone "hits" they invariably pull others along. I was pulled - big time. I was lucky enough to have a trampoline at the bottom of that hole covering the rocks - okay, maybe the tramp was a little weak and I was scraped up a bit and didn't immediately bounce back to the surface, but it gave me the vertical momentum I needed to see the sunlight. "She" hit the center of the tramp and was catapulted to the surface - thank God. Others who were "pulled" hit the edges or fell through the cracks completely and out of our lives.

Remembering that day and what "could have been" is both painful and therapeutic - it can help me to be grateful for second chances and be cautious of relapses at the same time. I'm not sure if I would rather forget that day or not. I would say yes, but I think remembering is a necessary evil. If only I could control those memories and channel them to "lessons learned" instead of blame and fear. Sometimes I wish I could tuck my head in the sand like a big old ostrich, and others I strive to tell the world what happened and help to prevent it from happening to anyone else - or to us again.

"She" can forget - her memories of those days are sparse at best. This is a mixed blessing as well. I don't wish the hauting memories on her, but hope that the day holds enough reality to enable her to prevent a future revisit.

"She" is my daughter. "She" is beautiful by anyone's standards. "She" is intelligent, loving, and incredibly sensitive. "She" attempted to take her life.

More later