Looking Up!

Okay, I am in the mood to ramble today, so bear with me. Despite what you have read so far and the assumptions you may have made I truly am an optimist. I believe in doing everything I can to find the good in every situation. That preverbial "silver lining" is there - always. It is just a matter of finding it and admitting to yourself that it is worthy of acknowledging. Sure, it is oft-times so subltle that finding it is difficult at best, but its there. The really crazy thing is that sometimes that lining might not even impact our lives directly. The challenge is to realize this and decide if the lining is worth our time.

If you have been reading my posts you have had a hint of the turns that my life has taken over the past several months. My daughter, the light of my life, attempted to take her life - I am filled with sadness, fear, uncertainty, confusion, anger (directed at myself mostly) ...... you name it. I am, somehow, also filled with desire - the desire to do everything I can to help other young people avoid this fate - desire to find that "silver lining". As I work through the system and find a way to make an impact on adolescent depression and anxiety I have to decide if this lining is worth my time - it is, no question!

Make a great day for yourself!
Journie

One Day at a Time

There are days when all I can do is revel in the fact that we are all still together - the beauty of life is so strong I can taste it. And others it is difficult to get out from under the cloud of fear and uncertainty. I'm not even sure what drives these changes in mood. Sometimes I think that I must be dreaming about troublesome things because I wake up feeling that way. I try and take time every morning to thank God and count my blessings - I wonder sometimes if dwelling on it this way is a good thing or not, but I will not let myself forget how precious every moment with her is.

I ask myself often what God had in mind for me when this happened. I am looking for a way to help others - as is she. We want to help other young adults realize that they are not alone. Depression is so real. Her psychiatrist explained it well when she said "if you had diabetes and weren't feeling well no one would tell you to 'get over it' or 'quit being a baby' - they would take you to the hospital. Depression is an illness just like diabetes and should be treated the same way". We need to find a way to help others realize this - and to realize that they should not feel ashamed.... or alone.... or hopeless. The numbers are staggering and if we can only help to release the stigma we will have made a huge step toward recovery. Any ideas?????

Rock Bottom

The saying goes something like this: "you have to hit rock bottom before you can bounce back". I guess the trouble is the rock can be pretty hard and the recovery slow. When someone "hits" they invariably pull others along. I was pulled - big time. I was lucky enough to have a trampoline at the bottom of that hole covering the rocks - okay, maybe the tramp was a little weak and I was scraped up a bit and didn't immediately bounce back to the surface, but it gave me the vertical momentum I needed to see the sunlight. "She" hit the center of the tramp and was catapulted to the surface - thank God. Others who were "pulled" hit the edges or fell through the cracks completely and out of our lives.

Remembering that day and what "could have been" is both painful and therapeutic - it can help me to be grateful for second chances and be cautious of relapses at the same time. I'm not sure if I would rather forget that day or not. I would say yes, but I think remembering is a necessary evil. If only I could control those memories and channel them to "lessons learned" instead of blame and fear. Sometimes I wish I could tuck my head in the sand like a big old ostrich, and others I strive to tell the world what happened and help to prevent it from happening to anyone else - or to us again.

"She" can forget - her memories of those days are sparse at best. This is a mixed blessing as well. I don't wish the hauting memories on her, but hope that the day holds enough reality to enable her to prevent a future revisit.

"She" is my daughter. "She" is beautiful by anyone's standards. "She" is intelligent, loving, and incredibly sensitive. "She" attempted to take her life.

More later

Quote of the Day

I absolutely LOVE quotes. I love to read them, to analyze them, and to change them to suit myself. I have always agreed with Forest when he said: "Life is like a box of chocolates". He is right, you never know what you're gonna get, but I think he forgot something - you are never gonna know what you get, or what you could possibly get until you take a bite out of each and every one. Now, mind you, when I first heard the beloved Forest utter these words I was much younger. Too young, I think, to completely realize the significance of his words. Yea, sure, you never know what you are gonna get - big deal. Now I think of things in a far more introspective manner. I want to know what is out there and how I can grab hold of every opportunity. When I was younger and always looking forward to the next bit of "fun" when Dad would say, "Don't wish your life away". I would, in true daughter fashion, roll my eyes and say, "I know Dad". Now, at 50 (At least I didn't have to say it out loud) I COMPLETELY understand; I get it! I'm not sure I was capable of getting it then. So, enjoy your day - every bit of it.

The Real Journie

Things haven't changed much in almost 50 years. I started talking before I was 2 years old and some would say I haven't stopped since. My grammar school report cards said: "talks out of turn" and "annoys others". At 3 when I split my lip open the doctor was very frustrated when he couldn't get me to shut up long enough to stitch it up. What can I say? I like to talk. I'll talk to most anyone really. I'm sure the man next to me in the parking lot yesterday was convinced I was truly insane when he caught me carrying on completely rational (in my mind anyway) two-way conversation with myself. I don't think I fooled him at all when I quickly put my cellphone to my ear and proceeded to say goodbye to no one. When my family reprimands me for these interactive conversations I explain that no one ever listens to me as well as I do.

So, it is pretty surprising that I find myself here, putting my ideas into the written word for no one to hear. There are times, however, when what we have to say is simply too difficult to utter. Emotions that rock us to our core, feelings of guilt and anger.... and .... fear. If I say them out loud will my fears be realized? Who will want to listen if I tell them how I really feel?

I am, and have always been a cheerleader (it is the perfect excuse to make alot of noise). I was a cheerleader on the sidelines of my Dad's softball games at the age of 3 and continued in a more formal manner all the way through high school. As an adult I am the one who cheers others up and on - my kids, my family, my friends - I like to offer encouragement - it's what I do - it's who I am. So how can I tell them that I was hurting? That the tragedy that shook every hair on my head still haunts me every day? That I hold my breath when I tell everyone how wonderful things are. How can I encourage others if I am faltering? I know cognitively that I need to take care of myself, to stop cheating myself, to talk about it and let myself heal, and most importantly to admit to myself how I really feel. I'm just not sure I can do it - at least not yet - not out loud.

So... I am doing the next best thing. I am talking to you- to the computer, to the internet, to the world, to no one at all really. Is anyone listening? I don't know and I'm not sure it matters. I guess it is just another example of me talking to me- the best listener. Maybe, just maybe, my conversation will encourage others to start a conversation with themselves. I'll look at it as a new form of cheerleading, but this time I'm cheering for me. I'm going to cheer myself along until I can face those demons that haunt me and scare them out into the open for everyone to see. Join me if you like as I embark on this journey of self discovery. Maybe I can cheer you on along the way as well. ~Journie

Truth's Journey